Cocaine Beard

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Cocaine Beard
Number 20
Broadcast Date July 13, 2014
Episode Length 1:40:49
Hosts Brian Brushwood, Justin Robert Young
Guests Molly Wood, OhDoctah

Brian and Justin share roommates, Molly Wood joins us for start-up spelling bee and Ohdoctah tries to get the show cancelled. Will he succeed? Tune in to find out!


Cold Open

How to summon Captain Morgan. Hint: Call 1-888-PUSSYLOVER

Brian Is Officially On Vacation

Brian is out in LA on "vacation" and coincidentally he is living with his Hacking the System co-star Jason Murphy.

Another strange turn of events revolves around a fan of the show, Craig. Craig was a fan/contestant in the runner-up team in the Frogpants All-Star Game at Nerdtacular 14. After having ridden out to Utah on his motorcycle for Nerdtacular, he went out to the Bay Area and stayed in Justin's house while Justin was on the road. Craig was impressed that Justin has plaques commemorating the Billboard Charting Night Attack albums, yet he just keeps them on the floor leaning up against the wall.

Craig then made his way down to LA and planned on staying with Tom Merritt. Unfortunately, it was Eileen's birthday, and she and Tom wanted to do some banging without a stranger sleeping on their couch. That was when Craig turned to Brian for a place to crash. That was when he and Brian totally hit it off and bro'd out and took some walks and watched Orphan Black together.

Hearing this story, Justin explained that every fan listening to his voice is just a few millimeters away from becoming best friends with Brian and/or Justin.


The Patreon is at $2130. If you want to become a patron, head on over to

Startup Spelling Bee

This is the third qualifying round of the Night Attack Startup Spelling Bee. Justin chooses some interesting startups from the website AngelList and challenges our professional tech reporting contestants to correctly spell the name of the startup. This week's contestant is Molly Wood. She was once, along with Tom Merritt, a co-host of CNet's Buzz Out Loud, but now she rights for The New York Times.

Final Score: 2 Correct out of 8

Friendly Recommendation


Seriously, fuck that old racist Able Hicklebottom.

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OhDoctah Returns!

Owen JJ Stone AKA OhDoctah hasn't been on a podcast with Brian and Justin in over a year (since the creation of the White People Rich meme). He's dropped off the internet for a while to actually make some money instead of pretending he's making money.

Way back in the BBLiveShow, OhDoctah served as the "racial liaison" and guided us in how we should all handle encounters involving race. Since he's finally made is return, the phone lines are open for anyone seeking racial advice.

  • Brian - Is it alright to get a full-body massage from a dude?
    • As long as you don't enjoy it too much. Also it's probably better if he's a big burly dude who can beat you up.
  • Ev - How do you feel about kangaroos?
    • He wants a big kangaroo that can fit him in its pocket
  • Ryan Alcott - He a bit scared of offending his black co-worker with some of the things he says, like "What up, ninja?", "Hey man, do you sell weed?" and if it is ever acceptable to use the n-word.
    • OhDoctah explains how to properly interact with a black guy without offending him.
  • His boss has a new boss. The boss's boss is asking him about his boss in regards to whether or not the boss should be fired.
    • If you have something legitimate on your boss (like he's sleeping with his secretary), bring it up and get him fired. Otherwise, lay low.
  • Justin - If there is a group of white dudes where one guy tells a racist joke, how should a non-racist guy react?
    • Ehh whatever, just play it cool. Blah blah. "I like my Jews concentrated."
  • Should I correct someone who wants to "axe" me a question?
    • Nah, those people will never learn
  • Brian - I have a friend who, in order to find out if they're livestreaming, will demand that he say some racially insensitive words.
    • Be careful, he could be recording you just like what happened with Justin Bieber and the racist song he sang.
  • Scyne - Don't ask to touch black people's hair.
    • Absolutely. Curtis Laraque called in to voice his outrage about people wanting to touch his hair.
  • Ryan Alcott - Why do black people love menthol cigarettes?
    • Menthol cigarettes have always been there for us.
  • If racism were reversed, would there be a stigma against middle-aged white dudes in suits on the street corner?
    • Nah, because people already don't like middle aged white dudes in suits. "What do white people do besides rape, pillage and plunder? Nothing."

Diamond Time

If you want to submit your thing for Diamond Time head over to or New: Each week, Brian and Justin will choose the top voted Diamond Time submission on the Diamond Club subreddit and also pick the next two submissions from the current list from the above links.

Diamond Club Reddit

Some of the links they mentioned.

Great Quotes

  • "______________ the Jews" - Brian

Fun Facts

  • This was the first Night Attack episode from Brian's temporary residence in LA.


Preshow & Aftershow

Since Night Attack is directly funded by the viewers, the preshow and aftershow videos are available to Patrons of the show ASAP and freely available 48h after release. If you're not yet a Patron of the show, then go to and pledge ANY amount!


Preceded by:
"Live From Nerdtacular 14"
Cocaine Beard
Followed by:
"The Watchening"