Officer Fudge's Mystery Package of Death

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Officer Fudge's Mystery Package of Death!
Number 26
Broadcast Date Dec 10, 2010
Episode Length 49:23
Hosts Andrew Mayne, Brian Brushwood, Justin Robert Young
Adobeshop rendition of Brian And Justin's police officer alter egos by Weird Things listener Petefic

In the first of a two part episode we’re introduced to the macho cop alter egos of Brian and Justin. Brian eats up NASA’s arsenic announcement despite Andrew and Justin telling him why he shouldn’t. Then we all learn a valuable holiday lesson when Brian touches someone’s package and nearly dies.

Contents

Right off the bat, Justin relays some helpful advice that he once received: You may think it would be fun to hang out with guys dressed up as Klingons, but it is NOT; they actually want to hurt you.

Spiro and the Fudge

Andrew proposes a scenario in which Brian and Justin are cops. Immediately, the two begin to fantasize about how buff and sexy they look, they take it so far that it would be hard to tell if they were cops or the Village People. Brian and Justin also decide that they need cool nicknames, so they go by "Spiro" (Brian) and "The Fudge" (Justin).

One day, Spiro and The Fudge are on patrol when they come across a car on the side of the road with the driver's door open. The guys pull over to investigate and they see that there is a man hanging out of the car covered in blood. However, they apparently don't really know what to do with a bloody person, so they point their spot light on the car and speak to them through their speaker. They ask him to get out of the car and put his hands up, but, severely injured, the man simply grunts. This causes Spiro and The Fudge to approach the car with weapons drawn. Spiro takes out his knight stick that is covered in Hello Kitty stickers, which he calls "Little Fudge" for no reason. When they get to the car, they notice that there is no sign that there was a car crash, as there was no damage to the car. Then out of the corner of their eye, they see a movement underneath the car. Spiro gets on his knees and sweeps Little Fudge under the car and hits something. The thing hisses and moves further away. Meanwhile The Fudge sees another movement inside the car. They then decide that this is a good time to call for police backup and animal control. Spiro takes his flashlight and shines it under the car and see's two glowing eyes and hears a hiss. He immediately assumes it's a cat and reaches over to grab it. Predictably, his hand is horribly mauled and a few more creatures jump on him and start attacking. The Fudge, being the expert marksman that he is, takes out his gun and starts shooting the animals that are attacking his partner. Now the fudge takes a step back to see what they are dealing with, and realizes that there are four to five foot-long lizards all over the place. The Fudge then kicks the lizards off of his partner and carries the driver back to the squad car.

Now for the real story. In Florida, they have lots of huge Iguanas roaming around and during the cold winters, they freeze up and literally fall out of the trees. Two years ago, when the Iguanas were freezing up, a very stupid Florida man (Justin?) decided that he would gather up these unconscious lizards in his car to sell. What he didn't realize was that once he put the cold-blooded creatures in his warm car, they regain consciousness and are pretty pissed off. So they eventually woke up and started attacking him, causing him to drive off the road.

NASA Announcement Part 2

The guys decide to revisit and evaluate the announcement made by NASA that they had found a form of life that incorporates Arsenic in its DNA.

Justin's Take: As he said in his Weird Things TV video, he thinks that NASA is an attention whore, making the public believe that they are going to make a huge announcement about how they found aliens, when really it is some boring thing about bacteria on Earth, which may not even be entirely factual.

Andrew's Take: They have known about bacteria living in arsenic for years, but it is significant if they have found arsenic in their DNA. However he does talk about an article he read about this announcement which talked about how the scientists may have fudged the numbers in order to make this theory true.

Brian's Take: If you wanted to accuse NASA of being an attention whore, then you win. If you wanted to see a revolutionary advance, then you win.

Mystery Package of Death

So it's the holidays and Brian is doing some shopping on Amazon and the next day the FedEx man shows up at the door to deliver it. Brian, hearing the knock at the door, gets up to get his package. When he bends down to pick it up, BAM! he gets bitten in the head. As he is falling, he turns around to look what bit him and all he sees is a Christmas wreath. Now Spiro and The Fudge arrive to investigate the scene. They see Brian laying on top of the package with blood coming out of his forehead, so The Fudge calls in backup and of course, animal control. Turns out that a snake climbed up into the wreath waiting to attack whoever opened the door.

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Preceded by:
"Alien Gun Fetish"
Officer Fudge's Mystery Package of Death
Followed by:
"Baby Panda Terror"