Public Parks, Private Parts
| Public Parks, Private Parts | |
| Number | 28 |
| Broadcast Date | Dec 23, 2010 |
| Episode Length | 1:17:20 |
| Hosts | Andrew Mayne, Brian Brushwood, Justin Robert Young |
Andrew heroically plots how he can rid the world of all life to spite a master race of alien invaders. The team learns a new ghost hunting technique in the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ graveyard and Spiro & The Fudge return to solve a case involving a mysterious stranger, a fully cooked steak and acres of unknowable wilderness.
Contents
Johnson & Brushwood Construction
Andrew has plans to build a huge new multi-million dollar tourist mecca, so he turns to Johnson & Brushwood Construction. Unfortunately Johnson recently died from drinking a Four Loko poisoned with an Indonesian toxin, so Brushwood hired Justin Robert Young.
He is pretty vague on the location, but he tells them that it is in a cooler somewhat, mountainous region. Andrew isn't much of an idea guy so he asks Johnson & Brushwood for their ideas. Justin comes up with an all pool hotel. He wants the entire hotel to have pools instead of regular floors. They will even have pool tables in their pools.
But Andrew doesn't like this idea since the guests might be a bit hesitant getting in the water because of this locations history. This is a very well known place and he wants to have a theme park there to get some of the younger audience. However this place has some historical significance, so Johnson & Brushwood think that they should play off of that and have reenactments like you would see in Colonial Williamsburg. Brian suggests having animatronics for the bulk of the reenactments and then have real actors for the heartfelt performances. Andrew is mostly on-board, but he isn't so sure because some of the parts could be a bit depressing, but Justin mentions how live wasn't all fun and games in Williamsburg, but that attracts tons of tourists every year. Finally, Andrew is convinced and he gives Johnson & Brushwood the job. He tells them put the name down as "The Chernobyl Tourist Foundation".
Apparently, Chernobyl is opening up its doors for official tours soon. Immediately Justin and Brian think of all of the great mascots they could have, the park could be full of mutants. Then they decide that everyday the entire park would recreate the worst nuclear disaster in history. At noon, the park would transform from Soviet Russia, to a radioactive wasteland. Now all of the residents of Chernobyl are horribly disfigured, but love to sing. Then Brian comes up with "Geigenometers" that they can sell to all of the tourists. These aren't Geiger Counters, they are just metal detectors that sound like Geiger Counters.
Suddenly Brian turns serious and asks his co-hosts if they knew the number of deaths caused by the Chernobyl disaster. He cites a Michael Crichton speech that says that only 56 deaths were confirmed at the time of the accident and 15,000 to 30,000 deaths by the year 2000. However the worst effects were psychological; the residents were told that they would die young and that their lives were never going to amount to anything. In reality, the effects weren't nearly as bad as the residents were told. Andrew points out that when you compare nuclear power and coal power, more people die every year in coal mines than have died in the history of nuclear power. Then Brian and Andrew go on a long and complicated argument about the statistics related to the deaths related to the Chernobyl disaster.
Andrew says that if you go to Chernobyl right now, it looks like a primeval forest. Since everything was abandoned, nature just took over and there is life all over the place there, despite the media saying that the area would be devoid of life for years. Brian responds by saying "Don't bet against life" because just like Jurassic Park, life always finds a way.
Alien Petri Dish
Brian suggests a scenario where they open an alien box and it tells them that no matter what they do, humans will all die in 500 years. It turns out that humans were all part of some alien experiment and the aliens felt sorry so they give us the last 500 years to do whatever they want. So the entirety of humanity is bent on destroying the Earth within 500 years just to spite the aliens. Brian, clearly an idiot, believes that there would be no way that humans could have an effect on the Earth and that non-human life would live on after us. Andrew thinks that they should find a way to accelerate the moon's orbit so it crashes into the Earth. Even though the Earth could recover in a billion years or so, Justin considers this situation an epic win, but Brian disagrees. Brian argues that there has already been an incident where a Mars sized object crashed into the Earth and life still formed. Andrew believes that in 100 years, man will have the capability to crash the moon into the Earth. In a rare, ingenious move from Justin, he uses Brian's own beliefs against him. Justin argues that you should never bet against human ingenuity and if humans are committed to destroying the Earth, they will do it.
Public Parks, Private Parts
Andrew has discovered that a graveyard that is haunted so he asks his co-hosts if they want to go check it out with him. Of course, being the curious guys that they are, agree to go with him. So Andrew shows the guys some pictures that he took, they see some floating orbs on a pinkish background. Andrew is acting kinda weird, but Justin and Brian are still eager to go with him. Once they get out the the grave yard, Andrew begins to take off all of his clothes. He explains that the pinkish background that they saw in the photos was his own naked flesh. Brian is a little weirded out, but gets naked as well just to see where things go. Justin however is a little put off, he is not at all excited about a big gay naked party out in the graveyard. Finally Justin gets naked just because he doesn't want to be left out.
Now Andrew brings it back to reality and tells the story of Robert T. Hurst, a man who was arrested for taking pictures in the graveyard while nude. He explained that he was just trying to take some pictures of ghosts. Brian defends the man saying that he wasn't disturbing anybody. Unfortunately the man was on private property, so he was given a fine. Now Brian asks what would happen if he were doing the same thing, except on a pet cemetery out in a State Park. The guys agree that there probably wouldn't be any legal trouble unless there were a few complaints.
Return of Spiro and The Fudge
Andrew asks the guys why they think a man was kicked out of the Mineola Nature Preserve. Incorrect answers include: nudity, plotting the destruction of Earth, Satanic rituals, animal sacrifice, bestiality, live action Yogi Bear.
Luckily Spiro and The Fudge are on the case. The two ride up on their moped and find the man with various food items strewn about his car. The Fudge goes up and asks the man what he is up to. The man explains that he is just trying to find some animals that he has heard stories about. The Fudge politely tells the man the he is not supposed to be there, but asks what he was trying to find. He is a bit reluctant to give much information, he just says that he is trying to find "a creature". He isn't trying to hunt, he just wants to take some pictures. Clearly the man doesn't really have a plan as to what was going to happen. Suddenly Spiro finds a steak from Ruth's Chris and attempts to take it and eat it. The Fudge, getting a little fed up with Spiro's food obsession, asks the man what type of animal he was trying to find. The man says that he was looking for a primate. Now Spiro figures out that the man was trying to attract bigfoot using steaks, nuts and fruits.
Now Spiro has a great idea, they should watch this man and wait till he finds bigfoot, then they should beat him over the head and claim that they had found bigfoot and cash in. After The Fudge yells at him for coming up with such a stupid idea, Spiro takes the steak and heads back to the Waffle House leaving The Fudge stranded with the strange man.
Book Club
Andrew
- Pitch Black
- The Keep
Brian
- Moon
- Donnie Darko
- Being John Malkovich
Justin
- The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
- Tron Legacy
Great Quotes
Sponsers
- All spots were purchased by IAmHumble
Links
| Preceded by: "Baby Panda Terror" |
Public Parks, Private Parts |
Followed by: "Dead, Angry Birds" |