Rub Yolk on My Face and Cry About My Dad

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Rub Yolk on My Face and Cry About My Dad
Number 40
Broadcast Date December 2, 2014
Episode Length 1:45:00
Hosts Brian Brushwood, Justin Robert Young
Guests Bonnie Brushwood

The Night Attack 3 album has been finalized, we give you tips on how to get your food prepared the way you want it, Brian and Justin get really filthy during the Mailroute Ad and the Chatrealm gets started in earnest on the self-help book.


Cold Open

"Actually it was Empire"

Night Attack 3: Too Old To Talk

Jesus, when are we going to get to hear this album?! Well, Brian, Justin and Chad recorded a couple more tracks a few days before recording this episode and they think they have a finalized track lineup. They are aiming for the album to be released two weeks from the recording of this episode. That's a release date of December 16th, 2014. We'll see if that date sticks.

They mentioned the mailing list where they'll send out tracks early. I don't know why you're not already signed up, but if you're not, you can sign up at the bottom of

Current tracklist:

  • The Funniest Force in the Universe
  • The Ballad of Captain Poop
  • Most Hated
  • The Day the Real Brian Brushwood Was Born
  • Definitely the Funniest Force in the Universe
  • Home Depot
  • Bonnie's Paradise
  • Story Doesn't Matter
  • That Special Ring
  • Prez Do You Even Lift
  • Continental Congress Style
  • Hall of Presidents
  • Fucking Brands I
  • Trip to China
  • Awkward Bus
  • B.A.N.G Bus
  • Captain Morgan Comes Again
  • Fucking Brands II
  • Lifestyles of the Internet Famous
  • Special's Shadow
  • Fucking Brands III
  • Sissy Hypno
  • Old Motherfuckers
  • Most Hated (Tropix Remix)
  • Prez Do You Even Lift (Tropix Remix)
  • Home Depot (Tropix Remix)

12 Weird Ways to Get Your Food Orders Right. You Won't Believe #6!

So Justin hates mayo and California apparently loves mayo. Justin gets REAL angry when he asks for no mayo and still gets mayo. He and Brian went on a rant about how mayo should be renamed "Satan's Jizz".

Bonnie revealed her secret phrase that ensures that she never gets any mayonnaise on her food: "I'm deathly allergic to eggs. If there's any mayonnaise on this, I will DIE. Do you understand?" This tactic would actually work pretty well in California since they seem to be more empathetic toward food allergies.

Brian proposed that the Chatrealm record themselves going to fast food places and requesting "no Satan Jizz". Here's the video of DJtwel accepting the challenge. Justin previously had a similar proposal to the Chatrealm a few months earlier with different names for eggs over-hard, on an episode of the JuRY Podcast.

The conversation then transitioned into Brian and Justin's shockingly similar methods of getting a TON of ingredients on their Subway sandwiches. Brian takes a deep breath, looks to the person at his right, then looks back to the sandwich artist and says "I want so many bell peppers that you think it's a joke." Justin has a similar pre-request procedure, but instead says "I want an EMBARRASSING amount of pickles."


The Patreon is at $1949. If you want to become a patron, head on over to

Hi Guys, Love the Show

This whole internet thing is bullshit, so Brian and Justin put together a demo reel for their surely-upcoming radio careers. They had the Chatrealm call in asking for advice, but they have to start by saying "Hi guys, love the show…" and they can't ask for the same type of advice as any previous callers. Brian and Justin played the hosts and Bonnie played the role of the chick who laughs.

  • My laptop keyboard is totally stuck.
  • How would I go about stealing a pirate ship?
  • I'm looking for a good movie to watch on Laserdisc.
  • He likes somebody, how can he tell him his feelings.
  • He has a job opportunity that pays well, but it could suck out his soul.
  • He has Time Warner Caber
  • What is there to do in Philadelphia in the middle of winter?
  • How should he respond to Horseboy's increase of the mayonnaise tax
  • How should he propose to his girlfriend?
  • How can he get the blood out of these sheet? The police are on their way.
  • Obama's putting too many chemtrails in the air.
  • Should he spend Christmas with his family in DC or stay home alone in St. Petersburg, Florida
  • What should he get his friends and family for Christmas?

Friendly Recommendation


Head on over to for a 15-day free trial.

This was the ad read where they guys basically just talked about double penetration the entire time.

Self-Help Book Update

The guys refuse to let this project become one of the many forgotten Diamond Club projects. As of this episode, they are turning over the project to the Chatrealm to start writing chapters. If you're looking to write a chapter, just remember that THERE IS NO ADVICE IN THIS BOOK. In each chapter, the douchebag author travels to some location, faces a challenge and has a revelation. To kick things off, friend of the show, Tom Merritt wrote an excerpt.

Remember last week when everyone was in love with "Ancient Caucasian Secrets"? Well they've abandoned that in favor of a less controversial subtitle.


  • His name is Chet Paige, but he calls himself "Chepe"
  • He is from San Clemente, CA
  • He went to USC film school for two years
  • He realized that he needed to drop out of school to find himself

Here's the Self-Help Book doc

Diamond Time

If you want to submit your thing for Diamond Time head over to the weekly Diamond Time post on the DiamondClub subreddit. Instructions on how to format your submission can be found in the post!

Night Attack 3 Cover

The guys have decided on a cover for Night Attack 3. It's submission #28 in this doc by Kevin Duffy.


Great Quotes

  • "Bring out the Hellmann's, and jerk off the Dark Lord" - Justin (18:07)
  • "Rub yolk on my face and cry about my dad." - Justin (23:19)
  • "We're not in the business of questioning our listeners' blackness." - Justin (41:14)
  • "Police brutality made easy and simple thanks to" - Justin

Fun Facts

  • The preshow featured the first appearance of Will, The Responstable Constable
  • Black people can love mayonnaise too
  • Though originally part of Episode 39, the Diamond Club post-show sounder made its "official debut" in this episode's aftershow. It is based on the blurb at the end of Audible audiobooks. Tom Merritt placed it at the end of his next Daily Tech News Show episode.


Preshow & Aftershow

Since Night Attack is directly funded by the viewers, the preshow and aftershow videos are available to Patrons of the show ASAP and freely available 48h after release. If you're not yet a Patron of the show, then go to and pledge ANY amount!


Preceded by:
"Pig Bladders' Eve"
Rub Yolk on My Face and Cry About My Dad
Followed by:
"As Suspected"